Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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