Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
