She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
