I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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