If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
