so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
