Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
