he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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