I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
