weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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