There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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