So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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