R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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