Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
