I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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