I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.