I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception