I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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