This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.