i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
