Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
