Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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