shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
