Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
