I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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