yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
