yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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