i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
