Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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