are you still at the devil's house?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
