I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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