After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
