If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
