I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
