I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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