Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
