So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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