Non-Jews are for practice
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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