I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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