Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
