you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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