Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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