this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies don't puke and tell
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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