I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
