There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
