So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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