Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
