Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They took my balls.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
