my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
