i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
