my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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