in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
