I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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