i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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