I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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