mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
