I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
