remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
