Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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