I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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