I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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