i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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