Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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