i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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