I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
