At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
