She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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